When you’re going through hell…

November 10, 2014 § 4 Comments

This is actually the first ever post written from my phone and I’m writing it as I lie in bed (“trying” to sleep). I’m writing in an attempt to clear my mind from the chaos that resides there. I’m so stimulated during the day that I’ve actually started “fearing” bedtime. Without some bacteria or disease to keep my brain busy, it starts to wander.  I lay in the darkness and try to bat away all the thoughts and stresses I’ve pushed aside during the day, but they’re becoming too overwhelming. I need sleep to function, but function too much to sleep – what kind of conundrum is that?

Third year is not what I expected at all. I feel like there is no way out from under all this material. The weeks fly by in what feels like seconds and I’m struggling greatly to get good quality studying done. The 9 hours I spend at school each day (Monday to Friday) simply take all my energy and replace it with a load of material that will take me twice (really more like 4 times) as long to cover on my own time. Once I’ve dragged myself home, I have the weight of 1) things I need to review from the day, 2) things I need to review for tomorrow, and 3) things I need to make – up. Midterms (which went well) threw me completely off my game and I don’t know if I’ll be able to catch my footing before exam period starts in 4 weeks. (Oh no… 4 weeks!)

The biggest issue I have right now is efficiency. I’m spending way too much time on single topics and going way too into detail. I just don’t know when to stop! I want to know everything. If it’s in the book, I feel like I should know it. I have such a hard time knowing what information to leave behind and what to focus on – and I feel like that is what I need to do to survive this. I gave myself time limits for some of my tasks today. I did the first two in time, but the third, well, I had planned 1.5 hours and I only got 1/3 done in almost 4 hours! I only have 5 or 6 hours to study when I get home from school so something needs to change.

On that note, I’m off to search for some positive thoughts to lull me to sleep. I love studying medicine. I’m so lucky to get to learn the things we are learning. I should be proud of having come as far as I have and that I am able to understand the books I read everyday. This is exactly where I want to be. I don’t want to be anywhere else. I’m lucky to be here. One day, I’m going to be a doctor. And that will be the best day ever!

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§ 4 Responses to When you’re going through hell…

  • Antonio Fiorentino says:

    Don’t go bonkers on me Bianca! Slow down and relax. Believe me that the pain of law school is nothing compared to what you are going through. I used to think my fellow students were cheating because they simply memorized what they were told would be on the exam. And there were plenty guide books telling them what the likely questions were. Typical American habit of learning how to pass a subject rather than absorbing its substance. Same as you I wanted to know the rationale of decisions and in the process forgot to memorize the rules. It seems to me you have reached the point were you must discriminate between the essential and what can be left behind. You success and sanity may depend on your ability to do so. You can re-schedule the in -depth study of your material to a future point in your life when you will have more time and will not have to sit for an exam.Don’t leave you mind staring at an insurmountable wall Tell yourself you will be smart about it, and will find manageable paths out of the hell you are in. Gpa Antonio

    • Buda B says:

      Grandpa, that was exactly what I needed to hear. I’ve been forgetting that this isn’t the only opportunity I have to learn this information. I will have to study it again for the USMLE and many times after that. Our 400 page microbiology book is a review book of one that is 4000 pages – that should be a sign to me that I can’t possibly learn everything. It’s hard to jump over things sometimes because I think I might need to know them for a patient I have in the future. Everything seems so extremely important when it’s dealing with people’s health/lives. I’ve been focusing as much on the rare cases as I have on the common ones, because I want to be able to diagnose and treat all my patients properly. But the weight of that is too great for me to bear when I am only in my third year and building my foundation. You’re so right that there will be time to learn it more deeply later. Now I just need to get through it! I’ve signed myself up for a lifetime of studying and learning. I need to stop looking at it like an impossible task I need to complete. Thank you so much for writing that. So lucky to have such a wise Grandpa 🙂 love you – and thank you for grounding me – B

  • Aswini says:

    Hey bianca! I’m from India. Istumbled upon ur blog a few months back nd I’ve been following it since then.I really like ur posts. Btw I’m a doc too.Right now I’m preparing for my post graduate entrance.whenever i feel low i draw inspiration from ur posts.i thought of posting a comment cos when I read this i was reminded of my 3rd year.i was like u,always dwelled into the finest details of a subject and that left me far behind my classmates.kindly remind yourselves that perfection is madness:).from ur blog I feel that u r gonna b a great doc:).kp rockin…kp smiling..success will shine upon u.
    Respect n love from India:)

    • Buda B says:

      Hi Aswini! Thank you so much for your comment 🙂 It is very flattering to hear that you draw inspiration from my posts and makes me really happy that you commented on this post. It is always a very powerful thing to hear from people who have traveled the path before you. I will definitely keep your words in mind – especially since exam period is approaching! Thank you again for taking the time to write. It made me very happy and inspired to read your comment 🙂

      All my best, Bianca

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