There’s a first time for everything

May 18, 2015 § 3 Comments

It’s 22:22 on the night before my exam and I am doing something I have never done before: going to bed. Normally I stay up until the physical pain forces me to nap for half an hour and then I’m back to studying before the nausea kicks in and I go for a second nap. Then, I get up, study more, shower and head to my exam. Sounds horrible and it is, it really is. And I don’t want to do that anymore.

I am not the least bit satisfied with my knowledge for this exam. There are a lot of topics I know well, but so many that I don’t. I could force myself to stay up all night like I usually do and hope that I cover that one topic I get on my exam but this time, I’m not going to. I want to feel good about passing this class. I want to feel like I worked hard, that I really knew the material and that I deserved to pass. I want to be confident in my pathology knowledge down the line. Right now, I feel none of that. Yes, I have worked hard – I’ve probably put in at least 300 hours to patho studying this semester – but I don’t think I’ve worked smart. I can’t tell you the number of days where I have only gotten one topic done – seriously, one topic in 9 hours of studying! I tend to make things too complicated and then completely miss out on the main point.

So, I’m calling it. I’m throwing in the towel. It feels like a failure, mainly because I usually push myself to the bitter end. Then again, maybe it’s not. Maybe this is the action that will push me to change. Maybe this will help me improve my efficiency and make me a better student. At least I hope it will.

The outcome tomorrow depends greatly on which topics I will get. I both want to pass and want to fail at the same time. The desire to pass comes from me wanting to escape this feeling, the pressure of patho. The desire to fail comes from me wanting to be  forced to learn the material properly and come back when I am truly ready for the challenge. And right now, I am just so, so exhausted.

Is this me growing? Only time will tell…

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§ 3 Responses to There’s a first time for everything

  • Ron Singer says:

    Going through Medical / Dental School is a wild roller coaster ride that very few ever get to experience. Your hard work and dedication to be the “best” that you can be shines in the blogs that you write. When the ride is finally over, you will look back and smile from feeling the success that you have achieved your goals to become a medical doctor. Good Luck on your exams.

    • Buda B says:

      Thank you, Ron! Means a lot coming from someone who has been through it. I’m looking forward to that day, but will try to appreciate the challenges along the way. It’s amazing how much pride we must sacrifice for the sake of our success 🙂

  • Tony Fiorentino says:

    Someone wrote this that knew something about physicians who heal others but seem to take no care of themselves. Imagine what you will tell a patient in your future that comes to you with those symptoms. I would imagine saying: “Your brain is telling you to stop, and you are not stopping. It is making you sick and you still do not listen. It is trying to say you are damaging parts that cannot be replaced, and you seem not to have learned that in your medical studies. Your brain is trying to systematize the data you have already fed it – but you refuse to give it the time. Keep this up and you will end up with a nervous breakdown, – a thing most unfortunate and unpleasant”
    Listen to your brain. It is the most precious possession you have and is worth more than any number of medical degrees universities can give you.

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