There’s a first time for everything
May 18, 2015 § 3 Comments
It’s 22:22 on the night before my exam and I am doing something I have never done before: going to bed. Normally I stay up until the physical pain forces me to nap for half an hour and then I’m back to studying before the nausea kicks in and I go for a second nap. Then, I get up, study more, shower and head to my exam. Sounds horrible and it is, it really is. And I don’t want to do that anymore.
I am not the least bit satisfied with my knowledge for this exam. There are a lot of topics I know well, but so many that I don’t. I could force myself to stay up all night like I usually do and hope that I cover that one topic I get on my exam but this time, I’m not going to. I want to feel good about passing this class. I want to feel like I worked hard, that I really knew the material and that I deserved to pass. I want to be confident in my pathology knowledge down the line. Right now, I feel none of that. Yes, I have worked hard – I’ve probably put in at least 300 hours to patho studying this semester – but I don’t think I’ve worked smart. I can’t tell you the number of days where I have only gotten one topic done – seriously, one topic in 9 hours of studying! I tend to make things too complicated and then completely miss out on the main point.
So, I’m calling it. I’m throwing in the towel. It feels like a failure, mainly because I usually push myself to the bitter end. Then again, maybe it’s not. Maybe this is the action that will push me to change. Maybe this will help me improve my efficiency and make me a better student. At least I hope it will.
The outcome tomorrow depends greatly on which topics I will get. I both want to pass and want to fail at the same time. The desire to pass comes from me wanting to escape this feeling, the pressure of patho. The desire to fail comes from me wanting to be forced to learn the material properly and come back when I am truly ready for the challenge. And right now, I am just so, so exhausted.
Is this me growing? Only time will tell…