To build a home
November 14, 2015 § 6 Comments
I’ve disappeared again! I haven’t forgotten, nor have I decided to stop, blogging. Why the quiet? Because I have so many posts I want to write (my mom’s visit, Skjalg’s family’s visit, my first trip to Italy) and so little time to write them! It feels wrong continuing on with new posts when I have those memories to document, but I’m obviously not finding the time to write them 😉
So, here we are! We have only 3 weeks left of the semester and I’m sitting here baffled. Where has the semester gone?? There has been so much going on and I feel like time has completely escaped me (something that I feel a lot). There has been no time to establish a routine, no time to feel the moment for the moment. I’ve been viewing time in chunks: “2 days until the weekend, when I can finally study for ____”, “4 days until my pharma midterm”, “5 hours to prepare for tomorrow’s anatomy lesson”, etc. Right now, the focus is on Wednesday next week, when we will be done with our 2nd pharmacology midterm and our radiology midterm. After that, I’ll find another goal to set my sights on. The problem with this is that all the time between these points is seemingly inconsequential. I’m always looking to the future and hardly ever to the present. And that’s no way to enjoy life.
This brings us to another major thought consumer – we’re almost doctors! It’s an unsettling thought. A big one. Not just because we’re going to be doctors, but because this means that this giant chapter of our lives is coming to an end. In the past when people have asked me how long I would be attending medical school, I’ve actually witnessed them buckle, even if only ever so slightly, under the weight of my answer, “6 years”. This adult life we’ve created for ourselves, this place, these people – they aren’t forever. And that is sad, and its scary, and its horrible, and its beautiful.
No man ever steps in the same river twice, for its not the same river and he’s not the same man.
The universe is in a constant state of flux – that I know, consider and appreciate – but feeling the flux is something else entirely. Its the flux that is always felt at a transition, at the closing of one chapter and the beginning of another. Its exciting and terrifying.
This flux has been on my mind a lot this semester. We’ve made it through the toughest years and now its time to stop focusing on just surviving and focus on where we’re headed. I’ve spent most of my life trying to get here and now I need to start on a concrete plan for where I want to work as a doctor. Is it the US? Is it Norway? Is it somewhere else? I’m not tied down anywhere. My family is spread out all over the world, I have no “home” I go back to for holidays or special occasions. I am my home. And with that, the world is open to me. So what do you do then? How do you even start to make a decision? And am I really at the point in my life where I need to start thinking about things like starting a family? I’ll be 31 when we graduate. Most of my classmates will still be in their early or mid-20’s. When did I grow up?
On that light note, I’m off to the gym. Its a beautiful bipolar winter day. The last of the fall leaves are clinging on despite the wind. I’m going to miss the green. After the gym, I’ll be back home to study! If I get above 80% on my pharmacology midterm on Tuesday, I can take the semi-final during the week before exam period. On Wednesday we have our radiology midterm, which I’m dreading. I’ve actually been surprised by how much I like radiology. I just wish I had more time to study it! I’m not very good at studying subjects simultaneously, so this will definitely be a learning experience.