Berlin

September 7, 2017 § 4 Comments

The date is set! There’s no turning back now.

Registering for Step 1 is a pretty long process (really a lot of waiting). First, you have to register with ECFMG. Once that is assessed, you are sent an ID number and eligible to apply for a three-month exam window (I chose September to November). Then you need to submit a form to your university, who then has to send it to the US for further processing. That’s where the waiting comes in; I completed my application in mid-June and didn’t receive my scheduling permit until the end of August!

(Studying for USMLE: You know you’re in deep when you get really, really, genuinely excited about seeing “cerebral amyloid angiopathy”!)Screen Shot 2017-09-07 at 19.30.03

I already knew that I would be taking my exam at the end of November, but I didn’t know the exact date or location. Amir took his Step 2 exam in Berlin and really loved the city and the testing center, so I decided to follow suit. I’ve been putting off setting the date because….well, there is really isn’t a good reason. Once you set the date, things suddenly become very, very real, and I was probably trying to put that off for a little longer.

I’m extremely nervous for the exam. I want to do well and I have so much going on in my life right now that I’m worried I won’t have enough time to prepare myself. But there is nothing I can do about that. I can only push forward, maximize my time and hope that my best is good enough.

My final exam in surgery is on Tuesday, so I’ve switched over to exam cramming for now. I am so, so thankful that studying for exams doesn’t mean covering an entirely different subject! The surgery exam consists of three topics (out of a possible 168) and we are examined orally by one general surgeon and one trauma surgeon.

That’s all for now! Be nice to me, Berlin…

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Berlin

 

Starting over

September 2, 2017 § 8 Comments

I’m struggling to find the words to describe where I am at this point in my life. These past two and a half months have changed me. They’ve forced me to face parts of myself that I either never wanted to face or didn’t know even existed. I’ve had to evolve and grow all while embarking on some of the greatest challenges I have yet to encounter.

I’m in my final year of medical school and the idea that I will be a doctor this time next year is… paralyzing. It’s exciting, yes, but paralyzing at the same time. I’ve spent more than half of my life trying to get to this point and now that it’s finally here, I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself. Knowing that I am about to achieve THE goal leaves me feeling almost empty. Checking that box will mark the end of almost 20 years of doing everything I possibly could to make this happen. It makes me wonder, will anything ever even come close to that?

Since I last wrote, I’ve been re-familiarizing myself with… myself. All while studying for one of the biggest exams I’ll ever take. There have probably been more bad days than good days, but the bad days are becoming fewer and fewer as time passes.

We started sixth-year rotations in the middle of July. My first rotation is surgery, which lasts for about 8-9 weeks. I only have one week left now and will take my final exam on September 12th. I’ve really been struggling with how to balance everything on my plate. I’m planning on taking Step 1 at the end of November and that exam requires EVERYTHING from me. But I can’t give it everything. I have my final exams in surgery and obstetrics and gynecology (not to mention the rotations themselves). I have my thesis. I have teaching. I have applications for next year. It’s…suffocating.

So where am I now? What am I doing? What am I going to do? These are all questions I’ve asked myself almost daily since the beginning of June. If I’m going to be completely honest, this has not been an easy summer for me. Everything I thought I knew about myself, my life and my future changed. My foundation fell out from under me right when I needed it the most. I needed to be the best version of myself and I didn’t know how anymore. So, I slowly started picking up the pieces, forced myself to accept whatever I was able to produce – regardless of how small – and pushed forward.

I turned 30 almost two weeks ago. I really wish I could describe the feeling I had that day. I know that birthday means different things to different people, depending on where they are in their respective lives. For me, it meant everything. It meant saying goodbye to myself. It felt like starting over. Like stripping myself of everything I knew. Complete and absolute vulnerability and, oddly enough, strength. What made the experience even more “life-altering” was the fact that I celebrated it in the historic city of Acre, Israel with my best friend and his family.

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In the days leading up to my birthday, I was in a constant state of reflection. With the way my life has developed, the multiple life paths I’ve entertained, the struggles I’ve endured to get here…it’s not uncommon for me to take a moment and think about where I am versus where I would have been. Whether sitting on the banks of the Danube with a bottle of wine, wandering through the crumbling barracks of Auschwitz, looking out over the fjords from Tåkeheimen, reading the names on the stone plaque beside a Sarajevo rose, or feeling the jasmine scented footprints of Muhammad at the Al-Aqsa mosque in Jerusalem, I always have the same thought: I wasn’t supposed to be here. In that moment, I think about all the points where the course of my life changed, all the decisions and challenges that brought me there and how rich and special my life is as a result. On the eve of my birthday, I stood alone on Amir’s parent’s balcony and watched the sun dip into the sea. As I sipped a glass of wine, I said goodbye to myself as I knew me in my 20’s and reflected on who I will become in my 30’s.

 

 

That trip changed everything. I had a moment in the car on the way to Jerusalem where everything clicked. Suddenly, I could see my future. I saw exactly where I want to be and what I need to do to get there. Every time my future has crossed my mind in the past two years, it’s been followed by absolute nothingness. It’s been a source of anxiety and fear and prevented me from enjoying the present. So when everything clicked, the feeling was indescribable.

Once I’ve worked out some details and made some progress with my plans, I will share them here – I promise.

Otherwise, things aren’t very exciting here. I pretty much only sleep and do practice questions. I’ve been sick since last week and my cough has been pretty extreme. Since I’ve been holed in my apartment studying, I didn’t even notice that I’d lost my voice until I went to the pharmacy to pick up an expectorant. When I opened my mouth to utter the first words I’d spoken aloud in three days, nothing came out. There were a few strange squeaks, followed by a long, intense cough. The pharmacist began to laugh. I laughed and coughed. Exciting stuff.

It’s off to bed for this one! To be continued 😉

 

Where Am I?

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