January 31, 2016 § 10 Comments
Out of the seven exam periods we’ve survived there are three that I will always remember. Not because they were amazing, but because they challenged me to my very core and forced me to push forward when I had absolutely no hope or belief that I could. These exam periods were all, coincidentally or not, winter exam periods. I’m sure the weather and short days had a lot to do with it. Nothing stresses me out more than the end of the day in exam period. And in winter, the end of the day comes quite early.
All I can remember about the third semester exam period is anatomy. I set aside 14 days for that exam. Why? Because I knew I had neglected it during the semester (with the introduction of physiology into our curriculum, it was hard to focus on anything else). I expected that I had a lot to learn during that time, but I had no idea just how much it was. Nor did I expect how complex it all was, at least when compared to what we had previously learned in anatomy. Neuroanatomy is almost entirely theoretical, at least everything outside of the macroscopic structures of the brain and spinal cord. Learning things from scratch, understanding them and preparing yourself to present them at an oral exam is a lot to manage in a short amount of time. I was really positive when I started out studying for that exam. I had plenty of time, was excited to only have one subject to study and excited to learn something I knew I’d avoided all semester.
As the number of days dwindled, the panic started to set in. We have a guest room in our apartment that I absolutely never use. It’s mainly used as Skjalg’s office/den. The first, only, and last time I used it is while preparing for this exam. I lived there for the 7 days. I slept in the bed, used only the adjacent bathroom and emerged only to grab food and water and wave at Skjalg. In the 3 days before the exam, I developed a sort of insomnia where I could only sleep for ten minutes at a time before waking from a nightmare. The nightmare was always an exam scenario. An evil examiner, humiliating questions, forgetting how to speak, getting topics I didn’t know well enough, etc. When exam day finally came I felt hopeless and exhausted. I was 100% sure I was going to fail. What happened? Nothing. I got a kind, though demanding, examiner. I got topics I didn’t think I knew but that came forward once I calmed down and gave it some thought. I got a histology slide that I could identify right away. I had a good exam. Some mistakes, but absolutely nothing like I had imagined.
Fifth semester exam period was the next big blow. We no longer had just one or two huge classes. Instead, everything felt huge. Pathology was the monster, then pathophysiology (which included EKG analysis, which I felt so unsure of at the time), microbiology, immunology and our Hungarian final. I’m probably forgetting something, but you get the idea. This was my first time having to deal with so many large classes in what felt like such a short time. I didn’t feel confident in anything at the start of the exam period and was worried that I wouldn’t have time to properly learn anything. I spent those four to five weeks criticizing my study methods from that semester, fantasizing about ways I could improve and praying that I would make it through. So what happened? Again, nothing. I wish pathology had gone better, but otherwise all my examiners were kind, did their best to make me comfortable and to really evaluate my knowledge. I even got the “crazy, mean one” for micro. She was a little tough on me for my mistakes, but otherwise fine; she even complemented me on some points.
Then there was this exam period. I’ve matured enough that I didn’t suffer to the same degree as the ones mentioned previously. I’ve learned ways to quell the panic, or at least limit it to five minutes rather than 2 days. I’m actively working on mastering my emotional self, something I think is important to do now in medical school. This is probably the first time we are under this kind of stress and learning how to handle this version of ourselves, learning how to cope and how to act appropriately and efficiently, will be vital as doctors.
The problem with this exam period was the number of exams and the fact that I put the exams before everything else. I put them before my health, my relationships, everything. I allowed myself to be completely consumed and that is not something that can be done for such a long period of time. Reflecting on this exam period, I realize – and I mean truly realize – the importance of balance. There is no point of a victory if your mind and body are destroyed in the process, if you are not there to enjoy it in the end.
I’ve learned that I’m not good at taking breaks. To be honest, this is something I’ve always known about myself. The difference is that now I am going to do something about it. The way I’ve planned to deal with this is to do all of my “exam period cramming” during the semester. For each new exam, I start by printing out the topic list, dividing the number of topics evenly over the days I’ve set aside for the exam and then going through the topics one by one. I write my own notes, using a combination of sources, and try to finish them so that I have one day for memorization. Then, for the day before the exam, I try to memorize everything perfectly. This is where things go a little crazy. On this day I feel responsible for all of the knowledge at once. I feel as though I know nothing and that I wasted my time and should have done things differently. So, my plan now is to complete all of the note preparation for all of the subjects before exam period, maybe even a couple of weeks before, and utilize the power of spaced repetition. For exam period, my plan is to power through everything in a short amount of time. With all of the work done during the semester, I will only need to review and memorize.
This may seem like an obvious plan, something that I should have been doing all along. It is always my plan at the start of the semester to prepare notes from the topic list, but it always gets dragged out. During the semester, I feel like I become so short-sighted. I get distracted by midterms, weekly projects, research, visitors. I spend time reviewing or writing notes from lectures and not setting them up as topics. Another thing I tend to do – something I really dislike – is that I spend way too much time on one topic. For example, 1 topic during the semester may take me 10-12 hours to prepare. In exam period? I can power out 17 topics in a day. When I have the time, I spend it. So I need to be more strict with myself and exercise efficiency. In our oral exams (and most of our exams are oral), we draw a certain number of topics and have to present those topics. It makes sense then that this would be the format for note-taking during the semester! Easier said than done, I know, but I’m promising myself that this time, that’s not the case.
The best part is that my schedule this semester is AMAZING. It’s quite similar to 4th semester in that the class load is very low. I took 36 credits last semester and this semester I only have 25! I am looking so, so forward to having time to study during the week, to stress-free time at the gym, and maybe some early nights off where I can read in bed.
This is my schedule (not including research, not sure yet when that will be):
And this is how I’ve planned out my time during the week:
I want to be more strict with my schedule (i.e. only allowing myself to study during certain times so that my time is used more effectively) and want to spend more time studying outside of the apartment. With this schedule, I’m out at school/gym/studying for 12 hours of the day and then I’m home to relax, read, spend time with Skjalg before bed. It might make this feel like more of a job/something we do rather than being everything we are. It definitely isn’t like this for everyone. I know a lot of people that have done an excellent job balancing life and school. But for the crazies like me, this is something that needs to be worked on. I’m just happy to have the self-awareness and drive to acknowledge and change these things. Better to do it now than later.
It’s probably pretty clear that a lot of reflecting has been done this exam period and in the weeks following. It’s been the perfect amount of time between exams and the new semester, at least for this round. I’ve had enough time to relax, binge watch TV shows, organize notes, answer emails, spend time with friends, etc., but not enough time to get lazy. Over the past couple days, I’ve prepared for this first week of school. Purchases school supplies, organized my folders, downloaded lectures and notes. All of the busy work that takes time once the semester actually starts.
One of my big post-exam projects (that I’ve never completed until now): go through all the notes/papers from the last 4 years:
All this is going to be recycled! Must be at least 4,000 pages in there:
I’m really excited for this semester. I’m excited to challenge myself to improve as a student and push my comfort zone. I’m excited to get more involved in surgery.
We’re getting closer and closer to becoming doctors now. I almost can’t believe it sometimes. It feels like just yesterday that we started…
January 15, 2016 § 3 Comments
Radio and derma are done and if all goes well with pulmo on Monday, I will finally be done with the 7th semester.
At this point, I am absolutely, completely drained. I wasn’t able to sleep at all before my derma exam yesterday morning and ended up taking a 5 hour nap when I got home. Then it was up to watch The Martian with Skjalg and back to bed so I could get up early for the library.
Since Skjalg finished Monday, I’ve been studying at the library. It’s been really nice to get out of the apartment. I think a pure month of studying at home is enough. My friends Edu and Louise have been studying there as well and it’s been such a great change to actually be social during this. We grab a coffee in the downstairs café just before noon and then head to a local French-style café for quiche and salad for lunch around 14:00.
Louise finished today, so it’s just me and Edu for this last bit. Cross your fingers for good studying this weekend and a good result on Monday! Then, I will sleep and finally answer all the emails that have poured in these past weeks 😁
December 8, 2015 § 9 Comments
Yesterday, I received an email from a new doctor in England whose brother is a 2nd year student here at Semmelweis. She was curious about exams here, about the demand placed on us, and said that it seemed more difficult than her studies in England.
I received it at a funny moment. I was in the middle of crying over my notes and being so thankful that they were in plastic sheet covers. What a coincidence that I should come across this photo this morning:
I don’t consider myself to be a very emotional person (generally). The only time you’ll see me cry is while listening to certain songs or watching movies; usually ones that touch on mortality (like About Time). I AM a perfectionist. Though I’d like to think I’m a recovering perfectionist, if there is such a thing. I’m also, as my mom once wrote in one of my birthday cards, “intolerant of inadequacy and incompetency”. She wrote that after a story about how I freaked out on a plane one time because my younger brother Christian was coloring outside of the lines in his coloring book. On top of this, I demand a lot from myself. I set impossible goals and when I don’t make them, I get really upset with myself. Studying medicine seems like the perfect fit, right? The perfectionist and the infinite subject.
I know it seems that I’ve gone off on a bit of a tangent (or five), ones detailing quite personal things about me, but I promise they all feed into a point.
Exam period is hard. That’s nothing new. I’ve written about it many times before. However, I usually write when I feel a spurt of inspiration, sort of as a means to motivate myself through the hell of the moment. I may convey that I’m stressed, that I’m nervous, that I don’t know if I can do it.
When I read that email, I felt so connected to her brother. It’s so easy to isolate yourself in moments of weakeness, to feel like you are the only one feeling what you are feeling. I usually add on to it by thinking that everyone else is doing fine and that is just me that can’t handle my emotions.
I started to wonder if that comes across in the posts that I write during exam periods; these specific chunks of the year where I am a full-blown emotional wrek. It’s not that I want to portray weakness or that anyone really needs to witness this wholly irrational version of myself, but more that connection; that moment where suddenly you feel normal and truly believe, even if only for a second, that everything is going to be ok. Sometimes Skjalg will joke around with me and say, “Buda-B doesn’t get scared” or “Buda-B doesn’t back down”. If I’m seen as super strong or if people are under the impression that I always have control, I’m flattered, but that’s just not the truth.
Let’s take a look at the ugly truth. This morning I was supposed to have my semi-final in pharmacology. I’ve been studying well (or so I thought) through the semester. I finished my notes for the topics last week. I started reviewing the topics we’d covered at the beginning of the semester. I started building my wall of insanity:
But pharmacology is memorization. And for some reason, I hit a total block. I started obsessing over some topics, not trusting my notes, searching through 20 different sources saying slightly different versions of the same thing. As time passed, I started to panic. I was spending 3 hours memorizing 1 topic. I calculated that if I somehow brought that down to 20 minutes per topic, that would still mean 16 straight hours of memorization.
Yesterday, I got 2 topics done in 9 hours. I felt hot and cold, exhausted and overstimulated, motivated and depressed, and I could feel my entire circulatory system throbbing in my body. Tears left me dead by 22:00, so I decided to call it a night and wake-up at 3:00 to continue; to salvage what little chance I had left. What happened? I started studying, but got only half a topic down in the first hour and a half. I felt nauseous but decided to force down some food. Then I distracted myself with some YouTube videos while I ate. Then I started thinking about all the topics I couldn’t answer. All of them. At the same time. Into the shower I went, hoping that the steam would someone distract me from my hyperventilation. It didn’t help. I can’t do this, I thought to myself, I really, really can’t do this.
There were still 40 minutes before Skjalg’s alarm was supposed to go off. No way I was waking him up before then. So I got into bed and stared at the dark ceiling while observing the stress race through my body.
When his alarm went off at 7:00, I leaned in and said, “Hey, I don’t think I’m going to go today.” He responded with a simple “ok” and lay with his eyes closed for a few more moments. “Why not?” he asked. I began to explain that I really, truly wasn’t ready, that I didn’t want to go and get lucky on my topics, that I wanted to learn it properly so that I know it long term and not just for now. “I think that sounds like a good idea,” he said, eyes still closed. With that, I started sobbing. I felt such a sense of relief that he supported my decision. I was so scared that it was a hasty decision being made out of fear, that it wasn’t rational in any sense, that I was just succumbing to weakness.
That’s just it: we are complete messes in exam period. Some of us lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling for hours without almost so much as blinking. Some of us sneak out to the corner store and literally jump at the site of another human being. Some of us cry about anything and everything. Some of us are complete roller coasters. And some of us are like a storm, calm in the beginning, but with a dark strength that grows larger and larger until the storm hits. That’s me.
I hope you’re still following me at this point. It’s been a long, long day. I made a really tough decision that feels like a really strong decision made in a really weak moment…one that my brain is still trying to define as weak. My thoughts are scattered, my eyes are throbbing and I should be sleeping so I can get up early to review for tomorrow’s surgery exam.
So why did I write this? Because I wanted to show that there is a side that doesn’t get published. That no one likes to talk about. That many would say shouldn’t be talked about. That the weak moments are there and sometimes they are the only thing we know. And yet, we keep pushing forward. Exam after exam. Semester after semester. And we can feel so alone while we do it. We can be so quick to think that everyone else has it so easy while we have it so hard. I don’t want people who read my blog to think that I always have everything figured out. That I don’t go through tough moments. I do and I know them very, very well. But there is such a beauty in that weakness. Not during, of course, but after. Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors.
As I lay in bed this morning, in a pool of my tears on Skjalg’s chest, I gave him one of the most heartfelt “thank yous” I’ve ever given. “It’s ok baby, it’s the back of the medal”. I’ve never heard that expression before and hearing it then in that moment that fit is so perfectly, I couldn’t help but smile. It’s so easy to feel isolated, especially with social media being what it is today. You compare yourself and your life to everyone’s highlight reels. You only see what others want you to see. So, I wanted to share with you a glimpse of the “back of the medal”. A side Skjalg knows all too well. A side that we are probably all too familiar with in some way or another.
November 16, 2015 § 1 Comment
I love those moments where you come across a song, picture or video, or even have a conversation, that resonates so perfectly with the way you feel in that moment that you suddenly feel connected to the universe again. You’re no longer spiraling off into the abyss within your brain. You’re back and you’re normal.
I’ve spent a big chunk of today beating myself up. I’m used to it because its something I do before absolutely every exam I have. You’d think I’ve gotten better with time – and I have – just not better enough for it to be completely gone. Its immature and irrational and the only time I feel like I split into two versions of myself: I’m completely aware of how ridiculous it is and can do nothing about it. In the 24 hours before an exam, I bombard my conscious with all the thoughts of what I should have done differently, what I should have focused on, how there is no salvaging my chances with the little time I have left, how I’ll never learn to distinguish what is important from what isn’t important – the list could go on forever. As the hours pass by, the feelings and thoughts grow stronger. I feel like I’m getting nowhere and the material feels to grow exponentially before me.
I can fight these thoughts as much as I want, but it honestly only seems to make them come back stronger and smarter. I’ve tried many different techniques in the past, especially during exam period, to overcome this mindset. And this mindset is nothing new:
- March 11, 2013: Motivation. Biophysics Midterm: Check!
- December 26, 2013: How do you calm the monsters? Physiology: Check!
- January 4, 2014: Never, ever give up! Foundation of Character
- May 24, 2015: Alan Watts. Maybe
What I find the most powerful now is sitting down to analyze it head on. Where do these thoughts come from? Why do I think that I am having these thoughts and feelings? Am I feeling afraid? If so, why and where does this fear come from? When I do this, I usually find that I’ve dug my way to my “fear of failure” level. Hello again, old friend.
This is my favorite part, because it has an antidote that never, ever fails. Its antidote appeals to a quality of mine that makes up my core being: my desire to evolve and better myself.
In a way, the fear of failure stems from this. Not in a constructive way, but as a sort of superficial, insecure extension of it: I want to improve and failure means I’ve failed at improving (hence the fear of failure).
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”
“When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this – you haven’t.”
“Negative results are just what I want. They’re just as valuable to me as positive results. I can never find the thing that does the job best until I find the ones that don’t.”
― Thomas A. Edison
The antidote? Failure is good. It will make me better, it will make me stronger, it will make me smarter. In the end, that is what I want. I know I’m not perfect and there is no point getting by on this version of myself if there are improvements that can be made. I will give it everything I have until the very end, but I will be ok with whatever the outcome.
The video that reconnected me tonight:
Ok, enough self-analysis 😉 Back to pharmacology I go! These drugs aren’t going to memorize themselves.
Side note: I love music and I can’t study without it. I know there are studies saying it makes you less efficient and less able to memorize, but I need it. 8tracks is my go-to for discovering new songs. Here are some of the songs I’ve just discovered and have had on repeat during this 3-day cram session. And when I say, “on repeat”, I really mean it. I downloaded the Strange Entity remix last night and have listened to it 54 times since then! While writing this blog, I’ve had Antoine Malye’s Paris on repeat. Always nice to have somewhere to escape to…